Undeniable

i am profoundly happy and honoured to say the least.getting home and switching my pc on was a splendid occassion.checking up on my friendster profile,i saw a testimonial awaiting approval.lo and behold…it was from an unexpected sender.the thing that made it so significantly beautiful,was the way the words were so appropriately placed into a prose sorta arrangement.this particular lady kinda described to the tee,how chanced opportunities of bumping into each other in the office is like,at times.she’s married to a wonderful,good looking guy…so in no way am i being lewd or crude.it’s just the whole experience of blissful meetings being described in short,vivid words that makes the testimonial a one kinda thingy.i’ve always had this silent hope,that i could be married off to this lady’s type of personality.the fact that she’s gorgeous helps…but it’s more than that.to observe her,sometimes is like a parody to me.i get into this mode of asking myself what should one do to win the heart of such a lady…well,i still am clueless.<giggles>i need to ask her hubby,i think.but if there was one superficial reason why being in that building is such a blessing…that reason is her.thank you madamoiselle sri.you…your hubby…your wedding…is my inspiration.

i had my prayers for maghrib done at the mosque.been like such a long time since i led a prayer,that it kinda felt weird when someone approached me to ask if i was performing it.by the time i ended my prayers,and turned my head…9 people were actually behind me.i had a weird kinda feeling.a surreal kinda thingy.a small voice of reasoning started to sound.3 components of a balanced life started to make sense.physically…psychologically…spiritually.admittedly,i am lacking on the last component.irony always sinks into me when i start thinking and pondering bout these kinda thingy.5 minutes a prayer session.5 times a day.25 minutes in total…to a comparison of 24 hours.despairing.i cannot give even a tinge of excuse to validate my slackness.gosh.why does one turns to God in moments of despair…keep telling myself not to be a freeloader.hijazi…do something!!!

i was reading through my early blog entries and noted a very apparent transition to the more recent entries.i am beginnning to talk more about my emotions and thoughts about either love,relationships or more love.heeee.i really cannot pinpoint a definite reason as to why i am in that frame of mind.every night,i keep reaffirming myself that every single day should be geared towards that fulfillment of my dream.sigh.at times,it gets a bit worrying.

i am still steadfast with my conviction that,it’s really either all or nothing at all.being married with that dream woman.or just being alone.at the end of the day,i always have this thought that being alone is not equivalent to being lonely.my biggest problem is in my refusal to compromise on anything less than what i’ve always believed in getting from my love life and my personal life.there is this lovely hadith that says in loose translation…"if you love a woman,with no ill or harmful intentions harboured,and you die in the process of Life without getting her,God will have both of you be together in the Hereafter."it was so lovely…

as aptly put by a dear soul,there is a possibility,that if my blog entries were to be compiled into a sorta booklet of inspirational thoughts,it might be a household bestseller.but only on one condition.i must have achieved all the mentioned dreams.i cannot afford to disagree with her…

why i love the notion of love…

basically this single emotion is the most powerful strain of dynamic feelings.if manisfested in the various ways it can be,the whole face of the world could be changed.i still remember a newspaper cutting i read,years back,about how a mother lifted a car with her bare hands to free her toddler child that was pinned under.it was nothing short of miraculous.the point was…her absolute love,was focused on the raw physical energy of her bodily capabilities,such that lifting a car,so many times her weight,seemed natural.love does things to people.magical…unexplained things.

there is this song in me…that is waiting to be played.and that grand opportunity will come…and everybody will be dancing and laughing away.

i would rather be a busker playing songs,with immaculate,profound love in my heart…than to be a successful consultant with disdain and skepticism overwhelming me.

a third of my life is now called memories.how will i make the next two thirds be?

sometimes,for all the eloquence and flair-ish language,a bloke like me can ever use…there are times when being silence perhaps sums it up the best.i don’t know.to be credited with a part reason for a lovely individual to start seeing herself again,for who she is,is fulfilling.in this kinda instance,i am firmly with the self belief that maybe,a bit of myself had facilitated such an enlightenment.it is tempting to so wanna believe in the idea that i am the reason,things became clearer for her…but i shall not go down that path of conceited self indulgence.i am just more than glad to be the mirror,that reflected who she is as a person.

blithe…regard me as that pair of hands that drew the curtains to the windows of your wonderful self.it has always been there.that scenic,inspirational and romantic facet of yourself.just outside the sanctuary of your home<life>,is your beautiful garden<yourself>.it rains<bad experiences> sometimes,but your garden is stiil as beautiful as ever.do not let your curtains<inhibitions> coop you up in your home…coz i’ve drawn the curtains.look outside…and see how beautiful it is.see that rainbow<dreams>?go out and search for it….

my client is flirting with me…

client : where are you now?

me : in the bus.tampines.on my way home.

client : alone,with a fren or your gal?

me : alone. my wife not with me.

client : you are MARRIED???

me : hahaha.just kidding.i am pulling your leg.why the question?

client : oh.you are so naughty.okie den,i was wondering if we can chat later?

me : over the phone?

client : yeah.once you reach home,go and bathe,take a short rest,then you may call me.i’ll be waiting for your call then…daaaaa.

me : ……………<speechless>

i did call her…after i finished watching my soccer.i gave her 10 minutes.true to my gut instincts…i was drooling,with sleep saliva.it was painful.i am so over this getting to know each other processes.am not interested.sigh.

client : i’ve been with this guy for 5 years and things are just kinda on the hold for both of us.no news.i am not bothered to work things out,since he does not bother.

me : i see.how old is this chap?

client : 24 years old.

me : aaaaah.and what is he working as?

client : CISCO officer up at paya lebar.

me : ……………..<speechless>come again.

client : CISCO officer.

me : cool.you should try and see if you can salvage something.5 years is a long time.

client : we are not in any concrete attachments.not engaged or married.i’m not bothered.

me : i see.hey!guess what?10 minutes is up.i’m gonna sleep.talk to you next year….<chuckles>

it’s a pain.inject me with morphine please.

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in my moments of expressions,sometimes i feel the need to have some of it reciprocated.

maybe the universal truth is this…

the one who loves more,will always be in that position where expressions of sentiments and emotions may come in abundance,yet they do not feel the need to be told that their actions are appreciated.it’s an enigmatic situation.you give…and give…and give…and you forget,what receiving feels like.ahakz!God showed me a very important lesson.the magnitude of your emotions are minute if it is not expressed.emotions do not win you a heart.it wins you appreciation and admiration. display it.you’ll get somewhere…

lessons:

• giver of emotions : do it out of utmost sincerety.do not expect instant gratification.be unconditional.
• receiver of emotions : place yourself in the shoes of the giver of emotions.see how difficult it is…you know what to do right?heeeee.oh c’mon…the phrase,"i’m not the sort to show my feelings.","not showing does not mean i do not feel."and all things along this line are cliched.hahaha. see how you do it when,you are in the giver of emotions state…heeee.

love…wonderful thingy.paradoxical…yet enlightening.

ps : summer is the only exclusion.yeah right?!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 18th, 2006 at 11:17 am and is filed under Inside that mind of mine.. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.