Undeniable

summer…

in this small corner of my undiscovered world,i have set up a small monument of love for you.it is aptly named untitled for the moment.i am leaving you with this parchment that is gonna lead you on a trail of discovery.a trail that has its threads interwoven into a series of serendipitous moments where you’ll know that experiences pass by,significances fade and memories just linger forever.i wish i can just let you peer into my heart at times and just see the kinda things i have.not to impress you…but to tell you that all those things will amount to nothing in any event you are non existent.being incomplete is not a feeling.its a state of existence.and sometimes…although it seems like i have everything,i have nothing,if you are not in it.if my life was a scrapbook right now…every page will be filled with your name and pictures…coz that was the only way i wish to have my Life filled.with you in it…

it is at this juncture of my life that deciding to have all or nothing at all,seems to be the only way,it can ever be defined.coz,i stand to lose not only you…but my very self,if i do not make this whole experience as worthwhile as it was meant to be…

it is the visions…that haunt me.it is the faith…that inspires me.

"…and with this vow,forever has now begun…"-This I Promise You <N’Sync>

————————————————————————————————-

where am i?

not here.not there.somewhere.alone and deep in thought.

as of today…

56 weeks…390 days…9360 hours…561,600 minutes…and counting…

this strong feeling of desire is not subsiding.life changing moments come in varied ways.some meet people who just inspire and change the outlook of life by just their mere presence.some people witness events that just gave a paradigm shifts to their beliefs.some people like myself…experience ‘deja vu’ic’ moments,to get a semblance of significance to their whole life…

i think i am going crazy with this whole romantic love fiasco.this inner voice of self drive is driving me nuts.i am blaming God…(in a non blasphemous way).have you ever seen a blockbuster movies like "lord of the rings trilogies"?noticed the preluding trailers or gazzettes that they show in enticing audiences to watch in on the premiere date.i believe God did kinda that to me as of recently.

i have this super blockbuster,nearly impossible to be made movie,all done up in my mind for quite a while.number of years in fact.a movie that has its lead role,me as myself,waking up beside the most serene,sweet and angelic face i can ever just look into.the dyed fringe falling listlessly over her closed eyes as the silence of the room,makes the moment so much more gratifying.knowing at that very instant,that i am looking at the colours of the rainbow that awaits me,should i brave the journey of the storms ahead.telling myself that i am gonna love her more than anyone could.as that realm of consciousness comes into me,i also realised just how much i yearn to kiss her forehead,just to make my invisible loving presence known.but then i realise that doing so,would just disrupt the perfection of the moment…and so i sigh with a tender hopelessness.getting out of the bed seemed like the most painful and tiresome routine.making my way to the wooden doors of the villa…pushing the wooden doors and just squinting my eyes,arms stretching in unison…as the breeze of the sea blows through the room and the rays of the morning sun bask the contours of my face in perfect synchronisity.feeling that adrenalin rush of missing her,i turn my head and look in the direction,where my angel lay.resting…

that’s it.my life movie.my love movie.everything that i am doing now is only geared towards that one single,definite purpose.of just waking up beside her…i seriously do not know how this is gonna be achieved,but my take is…if something as silly as ET could make Spielberg rich,why can’t it make Hijazi the happiest man alive to just simply wake up beside someone?can’t be that hard…

apologies for the constant love references and innuendoes.i seriously cannot help it.it’s overflowing my thoughts like the niagara falls.

my therapy nowadays apart from blogging…

closing my eyes and just going through this powerful visualisation process as was described above.seriously sometimes,it gets too real that i can actually literally feel the texture of the white bed sheets,hear the silence of the room with bird chirpings in the background and smelling the scented aroma of hair.now before any critical party come up with some quirky comments,let me just reiterate such instances can only be done with practice and repeated efforts.there’s a quote…"your perceptions like your imagination,is in fact your reality".i believe in that.in fact…i think this visualising thingy has gotten a bit too far for me coz i’ve been almost feeling every tinge of realism in my dreams.last week…i just got the most meaningful 2 seconds peck on the lips by summer…on a vehicle whilst i was lying my head on her lap.it’s a dream.but the whole aura of it…stretched a smile on me for the whole of my conscious day.nobody has yet to be told about this,but i have this secondary school drawn picture of a man opening a door with the sunlight in the background.on a  low platformed bed,a woman with long hair was drawn sleeping.and i indicated arrows,saying that it was a wooden bed.the man was indicated as myself.the woman indicated as the woman of my dreams.and the door actually opens to a view of a sorta lake.it’s a strange drawing.i know the significance of that drawing.

i kinda promised a pal that i will email her a picture of me,in the future.of me with a glass of milk and a plate of cookies beside me,by the fireplace.once again,i do not know why…but that visual is so strong in my mind.vivid.

my new visualisation area.

counting the days…

counting the guests…

counting the hours…

<hysterical>this is being delusional.i just cannot internalise or digest any negative thoughts that i cannot afford to have any momentous moments at this place.okie fine…it’s not impossible.improbable maybe.but,i wanna give it a shot!it will be so darn sad if a place in this god forsaken singapore is not within my reach of accomplishments.i better not dream of a cottage in new zealand then…

keys to success : dream impossible dreams. fail fantastically. create a fiasco. burn the bridges. laugh at the cynics and skeptics when they laugh at your dreams. start researching on the feasibility of your dreams. the failure to dream big is only because of the lack of info. believe me. if you were to know that siti nurhaliza is secretly wishing to be married to a singaporean,wouldn’t you wanna dream suddenly. it’s the fear of the unkown that grips us.hmmmmm…

"if you’re not the one…" - daniel bedingfield

going for a round of door knocking session yesterday was the best thing that i could ever do in a day.i psyched myself with the numbers 56 and 392…wahahahahaha.i actually ran down the stairs and skipped my way from house to house…as i saw myself closing cases like no other.and i did.two in fact.working so hard in a single day never felt better.this is the first time in my turbulent life that i feel certain and happy with the uncertainties i had.weird.this drive…it’s warming up.it feels good.

note:clients trying to flirt with me is an absolute no-no.aaaargh!save me dear God…the last thing i need are mindless distractions.

i long for summer’s warmth…

my innner thoughts for the past one week.

• a defining relationship is one that brings out only the best in me.
• i am grateful at making the smallest improvements in my journey to become a better man,if it helps in making me the best man.
• laying out my cards is not a show of indifference nor submission.it is an acknowledgement that i am willing to do what it takes to win the game,even if the odds are against me,at times.
• my absolute faith is in the ideals.my absolute commitment is to you.
• what the eye sees is what the heart does not know.what the heart knows is what you do not see.
• one sweet day…is something we work towards to.not something we wake up to in the early morning.
• between taking the common road and the road less travelled,i will take the latter.coz,i know at the end of that trail is you.the one that holds the chest of possibilities for my life.
• i do not seek to be understood,though it will be good if you could.i do not seek to be validated,though it will be useful if i am made to feel that way.i only seek your understanding and validation,to allow me to love you,in the best way possible.

my thoughts.randomly plucked out from thin air with regards to lotsa things.

reality is…i never felt so completed incompletely.be one with my feelings again.

ps:the way <clay aiken>

There’s something ’bout the way you look tonight,
There’s something ’bout the way that I can’t take my eyes off you.
There’s something ’bout the way your lips invite,
Maybe it’s the way that I get nervous when your around.
And I want you to be mine
and if you need a reason why,

[Chorus:]
It’s in the way that you move me, and the way that you tease me,
The way that I want you tonight,
It’s in the way that you hold me, and the way that you know me,
When I can’t find the right words to say,
You feel it in the way, you feel it in the way.

There’s something ’bout how you stay on my mind,
There’s something ’bout the way that I whisper your name when I’m asleep Oh girl
Maybe it’s the look you get in your eyes.
Maybe it’s the way that makes me feel to see you smile.
And the reasons they may change
But what I’m feeling stays the same.

[Chorus]

I can’t put my fingers on just what it is that makes me love you, you baby.
So don’t ask me to describe, I get all choked up inside, just thinking bout the way.

[Chorus]

There’s something ’bout the way you look tonight.
There’s nothing more to say then, I feel it in the way

This entry was posted on Tuesday, January 17th, 2006 at 11:34 am and is filed under Inside that mind of mine.. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.