Undeniable

It’s hard being in a position where being ambiguous is comfortable. The prospect of having to admit at times that "If it ain’t broken,don’t fix it" kinda theory is so real.Being frank with myself…I hate my current predicament.Something is missing.A crucial element.Cannot put a name to it…just yet.

What am I doing wrong?

Do I live for the moment…have a "carpe diem" attitude…forget planning…?It’s eating me inside to know that something is not in place.My avenue of expressions is being stifled.Strange…but I feel lonely with my thoughts sometimes.

I’m scared…

…not insecurity that bugs me

…not excess baggages that bothers me

…not confusion that stutters me

What if I personify Akasyah…I don’t know if I have what it takes to be one?

Can I just be left alone?

Can I just be devoid of all these overflowing sentiments damming inside?

Maybe I should just shut up…

The truth is…Time is running out.Take a gentle look at your watch right now…see that second hand moving…followed by the periodic minute hand and hour hand.It’s not an illusion.It’s just too real to realise that I might just one day be a minute late…an hour late…towards something defining.Scary.Geeee…

The irony…to live for the moment…yet forgetting to live the next…

ps: I am depressed…in a good way.FIRST DATE CAFE…I need you!

It’s a wonderful festive feeling of knowing that the end of the year is coming,with a new year beckoning ahead.Being an optimistic romantic has its perks sometimes.A person like me dreams and envisions of those things that look and sound lovely.Am sure the upcoming year is gonna unfold splendidly for me…

Love took a backseat this year.I think.I was not overwhelmingly preoccupied with all things…Love. It was good in a way.As was highlighted,in a previous entry,there was a sense of closure in the month of June for myself.All the harboured hopes of yesteryears were rightfully ended and defined when that dearie soul just told me that she had found a companion.I realised something about myself.Inside that head of mine…there is always this prevailing hopeful realm of possibilities.Meaning that,if there was no tinge of concrete materials in place…everything else is still in that developing stage.I am just a bit patient with things that I deem significant for my Life.However,my warmest thoughts goes out to that dearie soul…as always.She made me see that side of myself…the good side.Under a different starry sky,things would have been picturesque. Heee…

I feel romantic this past few days…weeks…some friends mentioned,months. I do not know,how true the observations are,but yeah…I do feel a bit funny.A butterfly in the stomach kinda gut feeling.Heh.

There is so much that I really wanna do and explore,and I am having this niggling thought of not having enough time to do them.Can somebody tell me how I should go about accomplishing the small little things that really matter to me?If only I could experience that "Groundhog Day" theory.Waking up every single day,to that recurring single day.There are so many improvements I would wanna make to have each day even better than before.A hug here…a kiss there…a reminder…a look in the eye…anything that will make that loved one feel special.

There is this self theory I concluded about walking behind a loved one.I do not know why,but there is this sense of detachment when you walk behind someone.Walking in front…exudes an aura of competency and security.Walking beside…gives a sense of affection and closeness.Walking behind…generates this profound sense of longing and desire.I always feel like running from behind and hugging that loved one.That surge of wanting creates so much momentum in emotions.Of course this theory only works in my case.Hahahaha.I seriously feel that observations from behind,about a particular someone bodes a more profound definition.They are more likely to be in their natural state of self.People are self conscious sometimes.If observations are done through a frontal and side perspective,more likely than not,a bit of themselves are hidden.But if one is unaware that they are being observed from behind,they are in a much more natural kinda way.Believe me,I am not being perverted or lewd…hehe!

I have had to change some certain perspectives I had about the dynamics of relationships.Love relationships are tricky obviously.And I thought that all this while I knew what was needed to be known.Geee…how wrong I was.There is this thing called inner chemistry that can never be explained or rationalised except for the fact that,it exists purely,on the context of acting as a barometer of some sort.That is why,maybe some relationships are much more justified and tangible when the dynamics are dissected and assessed.Chemistry is the variable quotient that made or broke the whole dynamics.Like speed…it is either you have it or you do not.

What is chemistry?My definition is simply that,chemistry,is the crux of all progressive or non progressive reactions,arising out of a certain situation.Indefinitely,chemistry is the fulcrum upon which everything else a relationship component has,is leveraged on.The only way I judge chemistry is through moments when a decision making process is in motion.I cannot explain now…but I know that it is my factor in determining the chemistry.Wanna see chemistry in a full blown manifestation?Try planning a wedding…not that I have.I know that in my case,it will be.And God willing…for mine,the chemistry would be there.Heeee…

Due to some resstructuring home process…I should be out of my home by June with a rented place for my own.My mum is so with the idea of me moving out.Ahakz!Suits me fine.Ideal kinda platform for some planned things in mind.I know my mum loves me and she really wanna see me prove some family and friends doubters,wrong.The way I look at it…it gives me a little sense of independence.I think.I suppose that at the end of the day…I think I am not gonna be that kinda guy who brings a different girl home every night…which my mum keep perceiving.Wahahahaha.That devilish streak may be in me…but,that would be something I would stay away from…now that I am looking at things from a different angle.Logistically,how many spare keys would I need to give?Wahahahaha.All right…that is me being egoistical.I had decided when I was out on a window shopping spree with Randy the other day,that my homey is just gonna have a home theater,X box,tv,mini fridge,cable and internet access.I will be a contented man.Heeee.Having a girlfriend that will learn cooking with me will help…wahahaha!I wanna learn cooking..not for impressing sake,but for the independent factor.Besides,after spotting this side table for a bed at Ikea yesterday…cooking a meal for my wifey when she wakes up…is a splendid,cherishable idea worth executing.That is it!Perfect!

I suggested a report card system to be used in the context of a colleague’s relationship.They liked the whole idea of grading and reviewing each other’s performance as a partner,in an effort to make their relationship much more engaging and creatively fun.Just imagine my partner,having this review in my report card:-

"Hijazi performed excellently well in his Love Language subject this month.Although he tried hard,in his Keeping to Commitments subject,there is still much room for improvement.Overall,as a partner,he has assured me that he more than deserves the moments of passionate indulgence with me.Keep up the good work!"

Heeee…feels like I am in school all over again.

Westlife songs will be played in my wedding…by hook or crook or cranny…wait…I wanna sing it for my wifey!

"Miss you…"

"What makes a man…"

Hahahaha!

"It is only when you sleep…that I realise just how quiet I am without you.It is only when you are looking at me…that I realise just how complete it feels to love you." - Hijazi

ps: I am blind…but I have faith…in you…to guide me…in my moments of darkness…not because I need you…but because,we both need each other…in the worst and best of times…

Serendipity

n : accidental sagacity; the faculty of making fortunate discoveries of things you were not looking for

I am just done with watching the movie "Serendipity" starring John Cusack and Kate Beckingsale. I must say that being intrigued with the whole notion of the movie’s concept was gratifying.

For the past month I had been in a brain wrecking mode of trying to come up with a rather stupendous kinda name to be used as a private holiday term.The holiday thingy was my idea so I guess the bulk of the responsibility was of course mine.Being told to come up with a rather original yet defining name for a holiday,was kinda a grueling task.For sure there was no absolute way,I would have plucked out a lame word from the dictionary and tried to define it out in a rather dodgy manner. I wanted to test out my creative limits. Sadly…my brain juices were stretched out. I was lost…

By chance,someone mentioned the word "serendipity" in a casual conversation just the other day on my trip away. I forgot the context of how the word was used but what I remembered was having myself making a mental note to make an effort of checking up the meaning of the word when I come back. I was too proud to ask for the meaning of the word then. Heee.

So earlier in the day…as I was about to go to work,I bought a copy of the New Paper. As I flipped through the pages of the paper,my mind kinda drifted at the thought of having to come up with an ingenius name to a holiday. It was perplexing. As my eyes scanned,I came to the television program schedule page and found myself lingering on the night movie. I did not realise it then but I do now…that it was rather weird to note that I actually took notice of the movie’s title,which was aptly "Serendipity". I had never watch this movie ever before so it actually did not register into my mind in an impactful manner. I did told myself however that,it was the second time in a week,the word flashes in my mind. Yet I was still clueless about its definition.

I went to Ikea with Randy after my weekly office meeting. Was sharing with him my immediate dillema of trying to figure out a name. Randy was not much of a help…as I expected. Heeee…however it must be mentioned that the Ikea trip was a highlight. I love going to Ikea. I love the part of trying to visualise how my future homey with my wifey was gonna be like. A funny incident happened. Hmmmm…it was not funny actually. Disgraceful. Anyway,there was this particular moment when Randy and myself were in the bedroom section. As I was checking out the baby’s crib in the showroom set,a middle aged Chinese woman came up to me and just said…

"Excuse me ah…do you have a single bed set anywhere here?"

It probably took me 7 seconds to just grasp the words. I asked her what she was saying and she repeated the request yet again. Randy who was just behind her stared at me…blank faced. When he realised the whole significance of that moment,he cracked into that sneer of his. Me in the meanwhile just said…

"Sorry,but I am not working here…"

The lady must have been embarassed as she was apologising to me in a rather emphatic manner. Well,she should! What the hell? Was she blind? One darn thing for sure…NO IKEA STAFF WOULD HAVE DRESSED THE WAY I DID!Pants and shirt! I was in my office wear! Was she an idiot? Randy as usual could not help but laugh himself silly,seeing me in that bewildered state! You know why? That was the second time in the space of 5 days I was mistaken to be the staff of the place I was in. The first incident that I had was when I was at KL and had this guy requesting an order from me,whilst I was in a cafe. My travel mates were laughing their shits off. Things did not seem to change even in a Singapore context! How pathetic! Randy said I had this prominent "hospitable" face. Yeah right!? The only time I will be hospitable with these sorta incidents is only when I plant one hospitable punch on the faces of those who dare to equate me with any lines of occupation that I am totally not. Heeee. Yes I am grouchy on this…

Continuing on the lines of "serendipity"…

When I got home and logged myself on the Net,I knew I just had to try and see if there were any worthy words to be used for a holiday name. Inspirations were lacking. I came to this webbie where they actually generate a unique new name to any words that we try to come up with. It’s a word generator based on inferences. I did type the usual mundane words like success…hope…passion…love…etc. Nothing that came out seemed appealing. In an effort to be more inspired,I took out my dictionary. Whilst flipping through the "S" pages,the word "serendipity" appeared within my scope of vision yet again. It was on the left top corner of a page. When I looked through the definition just out of curiosity sake…I gasped in excitement! "Serendipity" was just the word that I needed. It described the whole dynamics of what things were…in my Life context. Putting down my dictionary,I immediately went to task and looked up the various related articles the Net could probabaly provide. It was during one of my Google searches that the webbie "Serendipity",the movie,came to my attention. What? A movie? It was then and there that I recalled that the same titled movie was being shown on TV as of that immediate moment. I was literally jumping with joyful glee. By the time I realised it,an hour of the movie was already gone. Plonking myself on the cushions I have at home…the movie unfolded in great fashion. I knew then…and affirmed myself that it was indeed the best word to be used. The rest as they say is…history.

I finally,knew that this was the exact word I need. Just one definition to rule all definitions. Heeee. It helps to note that the dynamics and definition of the word was just so defining and mystifying. I nailed the word…and I am a happier man by the moments. Waahahahahaha…

For those who have yet to see the movie…it is a great treat. A movie for those "first daters" kinda scope if you get what I mean. The kinda to rent out…ask your girlfriend over at your bachelor pad…and just indulge in.

My beliefs I had all these years are firmly affirmed. Nothing happens by chance. If Life had this great master design for us…serendipitous moments provide us with that dash of lovely humor to just sit and reflect on. You know those "Kodak moments" type of scenario where you tell yourself that,there must be a greater reason as to why I turned my head in this particular direction at this particular precise moment…particular location…particular time…particular date…etc. You get my drift? Waahahahahaha! I love it. It explains the unexplainable. Serendipity pave the way of destiny. That is my take…

But of course,not all are serendipitous moments. One will know it. Heeeee…

It is the coolest theory I have come across in recent years…

So Jazi…watcha gonna do now.

Nothing. I’ll let Serendipity have His say…

ps: Do you know that my Serendipity moments only occured when I am not planning for it. Hey wait a minute…that is Serendipity. As someone dear mentioned…"Life is what happens to you when you are busily doing other things." Think it applies here too…Love anyone?

Obsession (No Es Amor)

(Check check …this happened for real …baby bash..yo.. frankie j…. obession)

Its early in the morning
And my heart is really lonely
Just thinkin bout you baby
Got me twisted in the head
And I dont know how to take it
But its driving me so crazy
I dont know if its right
I’m tossin turning in my bed
Its 5 oclock in the morning
And I still cant sleep
Thinkin bout your beauty it makes me
Weak…
I’m feeling hopeless in my home
I dont know what to do but I think I’m in love
Baby…

[Chorus]
Amor, no es amor (if this aint love)
Then what am I feeling (what am I doing wrong)
Amor, no es amor (if this aint love)
Is this an illusion that I have in my heart?

Now I know you’re not my lady I’m just tryin to make this right
I dont know what to do I’m going out of my mind
So baby if u let me could I getchu to say maybe we could ride together
We could do this all nite now I dont care if u got a man
Baby I wish you’d understand
Cuz I kno he cant love u right, quite like I can
Its 5 oclock in the morning
And I still cant sleep
Thinkin bout your beauty it makes me
Weak…
I’m feeling hopeless at home
I dont kno what to do but I think I’m in love

[Chorus]
Amor, no es amor (if this aint love)
Then what am I feeling? (what am I doing wrong)
Amor, no es amor (if this aint love)
Is this an illusion that I have in my heart?

I love the way u freaky like that
I love the way u freaky like that
I love the way u freaky like that
Its an obsession

[Baby Bash]
Hold up let me dream
Shorty got me feelin less supreme
Where my candy, where my cream
Got your boy feel less supreme
Hold up wait a minute baby you so damn independent
Loving everything your representing
Got alot of money, I love to spend it
And thats whats up and I dont care what people scream
You’re my blessin when I’m stressin
My superfly beauty queen
I’m gonna keep it saucy
Cuz my money know how I do, we go rendez-vous, mi corazon belongs to you

[Chorus]
Amor, no es amor (if this aint love)
Then what am I feeling? (what am I doing wrong) what am I do wrong [echo]
Amor, no es amor (if this aint love)
Is this an illusion that I have in my heart?
Amor, no es amor (if this aint love)
What am I feeling? (what am I doing wrong?) what am I do so wrong? [echo]
Amor, no es amor (if this aint love)
Is this an illusion that I have in my heart?

Amor

_________________________________________________________________________

A calming assuredness overwhelms me as I reflect on the unpredictable nature of Life. To be hopeful and helpless. To be here and not there. To be crying out loud and laughing. I will not be quite like who I had been all the while. To steal a glimpse of how surreal realities can set itself in  one’s Life has been…rather mystifying. I am humbled…

Seating down in the comfort of my chair in my room…I sigh a heavy breath of helpless hope. I will give anything right now to be trajected back into my sanctuary of Aryani. Stepping back,it seemed illusional. Aryani provided that divine platform for me to be rejuvenated back with the essence of love…warmth…creativity…inspiration…and faith,I was so longing for.

After years of mental block…I finally managed to come up with a paragraph of lyrics. It meant so much to me as I scrambled back to my room,bursting with excitement of writing down my lines…after years of non successful attempts.God…and all I did was sit on the verandah of the beach house…closing my eyes…feeling the ocean waves blowing its breeze against the contours of my face…and words flowed through the coignitive veins like the cascading falling waters of a waterfall.

My nights there were filled with wondrous dreams. Without fail…as my eyes closed,I would be brought to the visionic landscape filled with…smiles….kisses…hugs…and so many other significant moments of bliss.

Aryani was like a place of calling. I fell in love. The villas…the rich heritage of sculptured rooms…the air…the rolling thunderous waves of the South China Sea…the seagulls…the moist and fine grains of beach sands sinking beneath the weight of my feet…everything was just beautiful.

Excerpts from Oct 05 2005 entry : -

"A person like me,who loves myself can adore someone like you,coz adoration is making "us" a bigger picture of things then just two silly individuals. I can desire you coz my desire comes out of my sense of wanting to share a cosmic completeness, which never demands for replenishing. But I can love you,in ways you cannot comprehend,coz my love is an affirmation of the growing,natural,subconscious feeling developing in me.If I don’t feel it,nobody else would…"- Hijazi

It will be a hard task to even equal or surpass such breathtaking experiences. That part of my subconsious mind will be forever replaying the wonders of breathing…living…sleeping…dreaming…waking…basking…and indulging in the lovely obsessions of whatever my Life was supposed to work out to.

It’s a pity I am not allowed to chronicle it in a fantastic chapter. Each experience would have been a book by itself for me. Now I realise…why the experiences of a lifetime lasts in a heartbeat. In God’s Law of Relativity…the moments between a heartbeat to the next…are the moments that decide Life or Death.

I saw myself again…

ps: Hopelessly and helplessly…falling.

The idiotic world of Malay-ish relationships had taken a new symbolic meaning over the course of the past few days.I am certainly not one who actually bothers to act on things I presume mundane,but I just have to say a piece of my thoughts here for the benefit of anyone who cares to ponder just how ridiculously political,the world of relationships can be sometimes.

As a woman,indulging yourself in the situation of making a decision between two absolutely unknown quantity typed man,is a very silly thing to do.Let’s name  my subject Naddie for the sake of anonymity.Naddie…young,pretty and colourful sorta lady.To be caught in a situation where you are at your wit’s end as to who you should be spending the rest of your life with…at the tender age of 22…is plain silly.It is just not logically feasible to be considering between a 23 year old shithead who just got himself a job and a 20 year old hopeless romantic,as serious lifetime partners.I am not being biased for the sake of being one…but I am being pragmatically philosophical about the issue.And for God’s sake…can anyone set up a council or organisation of some sort,that wields the power to put away parents who has this stupid idea of having their daughters married off in their early years of adulthood.Marriage then and marriage now is different,my dearest parents.Just because a guy brings home a pay packet of $1.5K home…has enough CPF funds to put forth a downpayment for a 4 room flat…goes out to work in a uniform…and dreams of getting a car…does not mean,he will be feeding the mouths of his wife and his kids for the next 20 years of his bloody lucky life.If I am a woman and the parents of a guy comes proposing to my parents with this cheesy line…"Now that my son has got himself a stable job,I believe he will be able to take care and feed your daughter…",I will personally see to it that they will leave the gates of my house with Kleenex tissues stuck to their nostrils.

Women…I implore you,to refine your thoughts about the kinda man you would wanna die with.Love itself does not feed your kids and yourself.I mean…we are not living in some vast land in South Africa where contention is not an imaginary word.We are rightfully living in Singapore.A country where people like my parents or our forefathers,struggle just to complete the loan payment of their "box" a.k.a HDB.Ahakz!Yes,life is optimistically fantastic here in Singapore.But it works only if we…to begin with…have that fantastic mindset.

I’ll bring you a point.Up in my company’s building,there is this huge board put up by the Boy’s Brigade of Singapore.On it is actually a list of requests made by the entitled beneficiaries,who needs things like stationaries,school bags,toys,walkman and etc,as part of their so called Christmas wishes.Now,let me state the appalling and rather pathetic nature of the whole thing. There were probably 45 names up there. Kid’s names. Now…30 of those were the names of Malay kids.How pathetic can that be?And the embarrasing thing was…all the donations were made out by Chinese agencies.How I appreciate the kind gestures of our neighbours.Me personally?Was disgusted.

My point here is this.The decisions you make now,will ultimately affect the whole gene code structure of an identity you might never even have come to realize.By perhaps choosing,your partner,out of a rash desire of non strategic emotions,you might have unwillingly put the future of your kids,as future candidates/beneficiaries for the Boy’s Brigade Christmas Wish Bonanza list.This is serious shit.

And guys…get a grip of reality.Marriage is not supposed to be your coping stance for your own insecurity.If for every time you put forth the idea of engagement or marriage as a bind to not lose that woman in your life,the Malay community will be living off on the graciousness of your sentiments.Geeeeee.You wanna get married?Why not?Just make sure,that the whole idea of a marriage is not to make you a more complete man.Marriage was designed to complete all those things,you could not deal with yourself,in the first place.I pity the next idiot who loves the notion of a wedding…but loathes the idea of the marriage.No suprise as to why,Malays being an insignificant quantified community,contributes a large part to a significant quantity of social dillemma.Yeah there are improvements.It’s just the one step forward,two steps backwards in motion.

Am I whining?No.Highlighting.

Is there anything you can do about this,Jaz?

No and Yes.

No,I cannot help the community as a whole…

But yes…I can help myself and those I hold dear…to not fall into that social dillemma…

Maybe…insya Allah.

ps:Marriage is not about the amount of dowry…the extravagance of the wedding ambience or the honeymoon package one plans for.It is,but a few of the many aspects.Marriage is a lifetime responsibility…to yourself,your spouse,your kids,your family,community and society.Love does not feed the mouths of your kids.It’s about time something is done…