I totally forgot that my name is Hijazi.A financial consultant who was on track on ending his financial year on a high note.Someone who is on track towards promotion.Someone who totally forgot that he could feel…
Anyway,the day went great.Started on a splendid note and ended in fantastic fashion.
I went for my weekly meeting.Had not been to office for the past two weeks.Kinda felt weird,to be stepping back into office and seeing my table yet again.~ahakz~Was totally disinterested in the whole issues and mundane propagandas discussed.(I came late on purpose anyway)
My heart was beaming with pride.Reason being…my pics were plastered all over the elevator doors,of the building.Yeah…all 3 levels,if I must say.It was for my School of Achievers achievements.~wahahahaha~It was cool,seeing my smiling,cocky face all over.~hahahaha~The best part was having fellow unit managers calling me by,"Hey champ…".Says a lot man!Guess,I have a standard to uphold next year.
Had a small pep talk with my manager’s hubby.He was enquiring me about why,I seemed uninterested and unmotivated suddenly.Told him about the dilemma and predicament I was facing with regards to certain aspects of the whole career scope.What he shared with me was enlightening.That was when I realised just how much,my goals and aspirations were forgotten.I was distracted.Damn!I had allowed my heart to rule a brief moment of my Life yet again.He told me to focus and solely strive on becoming what was set out for me…my goddamn promotion!How can I forget!Shit!The gist of the discussion could be summarised in this…
- Remember,that I am the only one earmarked for promotion.
- I have the capability to carry the mantle.
- I must not be sensitively be affected by external events.Advice of the day:When you think about something too much…go to a pub,get yourself pissed drunk…and live the next day on a fresh note.
- I have a way of ‘manipulating’(the term was used literally)people.Use that trait.
- It is all about my ability.
- All I need to do,is slog off myself for a year more…and everything will work out!
Geeee…that was the driving drive that I so craved for.Somehow,I had allowed myself to be distracted.
Had tea with my colleague Huzaifah after that.Somehow,another realisation set itself again.I am so much enjoying the presence of guys.Not that I am being gay-ish.It is true however.Being around guys has been therapeutic.
Esplanade was my ensuing destination,as I had planned to meet my brudder Kai and his colleague Feezah.But before that,I just have to relate two funny instances of what a surge in confidence can do to a man like me.Whilst in the train,heading towards City Hall,I was seated directly opposite this group of two girls and a guy.Whilst one of the girls,was busily engaged in a conversation with the guy,I took the liberty to just steal glances at the other passive girl.There was no intention of even trying to flirt,as I was busily reading.The interesting thing was that she was ‘reciprocating’ my glances.Anyway,I just took one brief moment to look at her,and when she did look lingeringly,at me,I just dished out a smile.Gosh.She beamed a smile at me back,and I knew at that instant,it was nailed.I continued reading and as the train was stopping at my intended stop,I got up from my seat,went over and to her,and her friends’s bewilderment,I extended my hand,which she took and I said,
"Hi.My name is Hijazi…and you are…?"
"Lina…"
"Nice to meet you,Lina…"
I smiled,and walked out of the opening door.
That felt damn good!As I was walking past the moving train,I could not help but notice that glancing,smiling head of hers,through the window panels.
Hijazi: 1 Women: 1
Was feeling so good…I hummed to myself.~wahahahaha~After I exited the control station,I took the turn towards the CityLink.Just two metres from me,a Malay girl dressed in Shisheido promoter’s attire,walked.I took the liberty to give a small smile,which suprisingly she,returned.As we walked past each other,a miracle happened.She must have slipped on a wet surface,as the thing that I knew was,she,grabbing and pulling on my shoulders,as she was about to fall.Luckily,I managed to block her fall and helped her up.Her face was flushed with embarassment.I gave a small chuckle.
"Eeeeiii.Paiseh seh.Thank you so much,"she said as she brushed herself.
As though on cue,we both smiled and just turned towards the direction we were heading to and continued walking.
Hijazi : 2 Women : 2
The thing that strucked me about both encounters,was the sheer fact that I just connected totally out of goodwill and non expected realizations.I did not get anything substansially concrete from both experiences,and by that phone numbers~wahahahaha~,but it felt so good.It served to build a set of confidence,which was totally majestic.Feeling good…intiating good thoughts,which in turn resulted in good results.For a moment,I applied myself.
Esplanade was serene.(I am still in that lingering mode of asking how I could not have seen Summer on that particular day…not that it matters…just curious,what God had in mind when He did that).
Met Feezah…and I took the opportunity to grind her with my rather obnoxious,typical,stereotyped and provoking questions.As much as I would hate to say this…in Feezah,I found the ideal subject,in affirming my thoughts about women sometimes.
You know…there is this breed of Women,who typically think that they have had their Life and its issues,all figured out.Usually,it arises from their perceived realisation that,since they are out of a bad relationship of some sort,what else can go wrong?I mean…they would have assumed that they have seen it all and done it all,and there is no amount of effort a guy can dish out,that they would never have come to expect.And so they go around,in a pompous manner,declaring just how guys ought to be falling like a bunch of flies at their feet.How guys are typically so in need of their constant approval and affections.And in a direct confrontational manner,they issue ludicrous statements or questions,like…"You know why I am not dating you?"
Geeeee….
These were the questions and answers,discussed.Nothing was changed.
Jaz : Correct me if I am wrong,but am I safe to assume that you,at this very moment,am not sure of what you want.I mean,what you want in a guy?
FZ : No.Of course I do know what I want in them.
Jaz : Why are you then subjecting yourself to being surrounded by a lot of guys,and finding yourself in the hassle of validating them?
FZ : Hey,do not blame me.They are the ones who came into the picture.I never asked for them.
Jaz : But,is that not you saying that you allowed them to be in your Life.Coz,I figure that they knocked and you opened the door.Am I right?You could have just refused their presence.
FZ : Well,put it in a way…I am in fact just using them.
(silence)
Jaz : Has it occured to you that whilst you have this absolute misconstrued assumption that you are in control of things,and you are using them,do you think you are being used at the same time?(sexual connotations)
FZ : That is when I figure out that we will be even.
Sad.
Of course,this particular incident is more an exception rather than a rule.My personal point of view,is that it’s humiliatingly scary.To have someone equate dignity as an agenda on the etiquette of relationship dynamics,is appaling.
If it was the old me…these kinda things would have pertubed my inner senses and I would have felt obliged to try and change the women’s mentality.Nowadays…it’s just the "Now I can see why you are living in a state of being pathetic." kinda affirmation.The fact is…living your Life based on false prejudices and assumptions is already bad enough.Believing,that these false dogmas are your staple principles of Life,is abysmal.
The more someone,wants to stereotype a given situation,the more stereotypical,the person will be.Okie,maybe it is fair enough to say,that a bad relationship scarred you and kinda shaped a set of beliefs that you had always uphold.Now,it’s a subconscious vendetta…to set right that beliefs into a mode,where you will no longer feel the angst and pain.
It is almost safe to assume that sometimes,Nice Guys are left for the dead.The more a guy shows concern and willingess to share a part of the woman’s pain and joy,the harder it seems for the woman to accept him.There is this school of thoughts which claims…"You don’t get it Jazi…women do not want to feel obligated in reciprocating those nice sentiments and goodwill gestures.There will come a point of Time when,the woman will just reach that tolerant level of not being able to see herself returning the favours,and she will just walk out…"
My personal point of view?
"Bullshit.It’s just an excuse!"
You see the thing is,we always find worthy women ending up with prickheads who treat them like carpets.Wipe on it,when you are wet…dry it when you do not need it.Yet,a part of these women,whilst complaining…display a profound longing for these kinda men.The Nice Guys who had always been there,providing almost all traits required of a buddy,friend,soulmate,cushion,listening ear and just a human being is often discarded at the very first signs of intimacy.Why the standards?These Nice Guys are the exact guys who hold the flickering candle of your Life as if,their own depended on it.Give them some credit.Let them love you for once…
Here is the logic Women…
According to the Law Of Large Numbers,a woman can only perhaps,over the course of her prime life…know at most,less than 100 guys on a close,personal level.This is on a 5 guys a year,over a period of 20 year,time period of consideration.(15 years - 35 years).Out of this number…do you think,everyone would have impressed you?Maybe based on the general perceptions of guys,let’s just say only a third is capable of even impressing you.That is about 30 guys.Let’s half it.Say 15 guys who are abled enough to sweep you of your feet.Based on the 5 guys a year thingy,it will take you 3 years to know them.It means,on an average…it takes you 2 months,to divert attention to another,if the current does not do enough to impress you.Geeee…and Nice Guys being Nice Guys…they tend to be rather patient…non imposing…unconditional and just loving.And they have only 2 months to prove a bit of significance,while women hop around,like a hopeful bunny looking for sources of validations.Shit!When a Nice Guy says…"Have you thought….".The woman says…"Don’t you think you are coming too fast on me?"Geeeee…what the hell do you want?
Contradictions:
Women : "You deserve someone better."
When the guy tries to move on…
Women : "Am I not good enough?"
~laughs~
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Women : "You think you are in love with me.How can you be so sure?"
Men : "Coz I feel it…"
Women : "How can you be sure about your feelings?"
Men :*sic*
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Women : "Any other girl would be so lucky to have you in their Life."
Men : "But why can’t that girl be you?"
Women : "You don’t understand."
Men : "You are damn right about that."
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Women : "What if I cannot give you what you want?"
Men : "What if you can?"
Women : "I don’t think so."
Men : "Why not?"
Women : "Because you deserve someone better."
Men : "But,you are the best."
Women : "How can you be so sure?"
Men : "Coz,I can feel it."
Women : "Don’t say that.Somebody lucky ought to have you in their Life."
Men : "Why not you?"
Women : "Aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
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ps:Women are interesting creatures.They should rename the book."Men are from Mars.Women are from some goddamn planet I never even knew existed."
But it’s true…I like women too much.Lucky…I love only a woman.
Thank God I found you 
I am trying to play the melodies in Life in the best way possible.I am not confessing that I am a great intrumentalist,but I am trying.Gimme time,and I’ll play a beautiful song just for you.
