Undeniable

Here lies Hijazi…

Dec 1996 - June 2005

Everything that has all this while been purposeful and meaningful is as of this moment erased and eradicated. Here lies the guy who unselfishly dedicated a part of his life,thoughts,passion and emotions to a cause that was doomed to end even before it started. For there never was a moment in time when the cause deserted his landscape of hopeful dreams. May he rest in eternal damnation for the things he believed in…unconditionally.

And there you have it…the final say for the moment. I am down and out and washed and wrecked and despaired and damned and weary…and gleefully smiling. Thank you God for playing the cruellest mind games with me. Yeah,you know it God. The signs you gave…the dreams you revealed…the prayers you answered sometimes…sometimes not…the hopes you thrust in me…the uncertain certainties…and now…the ultimate ultimatum.

Well,I certainly do not know if there are enough will in me to try and fight your ordains anymore. Like has been told by many of your earthlings…I stood no chance at all…and my only prevailing reason,was "There will come a time…".

And so the time has come…sooner than expected. I am not ready. In fact,even if I was,what could I have done to stop the avalanche of emotions. I cannot react. I choose not to feel. I numbed my thoughts. I blurred all aspects of reality. Live in a misconstrued realm. What else can go worse?

Well…good news! I am on a warpath!

I shall make sure that there will never be another me. I will spread the dogma of falsehood. Unconditionality is a term used by dreamers who  think that life can be better by not do anything conclusive about it. How the hell did I believe that?

Two things matter to me now…finding the reason to start living all over again. And to find that lost feeling once again.

Oh…..

Aaaaaaaargh….

Sigh…..

Crapz and more crapz……

The one who complements you was the one who was given a chance to be shown the door to your life.

Does it matter if you knocked on that door forever…?(asking)

Of course not…!I had emptied the contents of the house and moved!

It’s not who you love that matters. It’s how much the person who did not matter to you,loves you…whatever.

ps:Third Person Perspectives….

What a hectic week it had been! I completed my roadshow at the Expo just the other weekend. It was strangely cool talking to people, interacting, surveying and just flirting with some of the people there. I met and got reacquainted with my long lost pals who happened to be visiting the exhibition for marital reasons. Yeah! Some of them were browsing through the wedding packages offered and were really engulfed in the experience. Hehe. My only regret is not being able to visist this booths with my partner. It could have been fun! Hehehe! Sorry love…work commitments.

I got to know an independent financial consultant. Ika,a 27 year old neurotic woman. She irritates me with her bluntness but I kinda liked her style of friendship. Straighforward with no holds barred kinda philosophy. She is challenging and I like that coz it will only serves to increase my thinking capacity. Guess what? I managed to attend the National Achievers Congress held recently at the Expo. Gosh,I was so thrilled and proud of this for it has always been my dream to attend and hear the many successful platform speakers and at the same time be inspired by the plethora of insights they provide. Being surrounded in a positive environment can only serve good results.

Transitional changes are occuring in my agency. My two most beloved office secretary had just quit and this has undoubtly left a void. Kak Sarimah and Kak Zack…I am gonna sorely miss both of you. My rather mismanaged manager is a total wreck! This is what happens when you are a fantastic salesperson with horrendous management skills. The valuable people you have leave you. Somehow,the prayers and warm wishes of these two souls did light up the day for me. Kak sarimah especially wished and prayed that my journey in being a successful consultant or manager,be a smooth one. Amin! This will be a focused next few months for me. Gosh! I am really thriving in this world of challenges and trying to reap success. I got a good quote from a fellow speaker,"Fixed income is a manifestation of a fixed mind!" How aptly put! Hmmm…everything about my life is strangely falling into place. Insya Allah…I should be where I wanna be soon enough. Just gotta kick and wail my soul out in life. I learned a few valuable life insights the past two weeks or so."Your level of success should never be compared to another’s success." I have to agree. Some people succeed at being failures by my standards and I certainly do not want to be a failure in succeeding by my standards.

ps:I received an invitation for a wedding from my pal Azzah!Congrats Azzah!It was fun admiring and being infatuated with you during secondary school days!Hehehe…may you have the fulfillment of a happy marriage life! I shall go for now…look out for this space. A year down from this date,I will be married too. Hehehe.